What is trust? Week 1 Day 1

I have received profound healing in my relationship with God through the Hearts A Fire retreat's written by Fr. Michael Gaitley. 33 Days to Merciful Love is proving to be a beautiful and wonderful book that I believe is a gift to the Church for these times. We are now in a time where so many of us have been wounded by people and sometimes even by the Church herself.

When the Church is who hurts us, we may be tempted to believe that God is not Good or that we are not good or deserving of anything good. I have met many people deeply and profoundly wounded by the Church. This has created a huge division in our world. I believe this book/retreat is a tool that can begin to heal division and bring all Christian souls together with one uniting purpose; to receive the merciful love of Jesus Christ and then to bring it to hurting souls in our broken world.

In the Catechism of the Catholic Church (397) it says that "Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his creator die in his heart..." lets talk about what this means. First of all we are all created in the image and likeness of God. Male or female we are icons of the truth, life and love of God walking around on earth and we are supposed to be making visible the invisible reality of God through the living our of our lives in union with God. However, when the devil comes and whispers his lies, we can in a sense, divorce ourselves from God and accept the proposal of the evil one.

Why do we do that? Because the father of lies wants us to believe that God is not trustworthy and does not want to honor our desires.  He begins by planting seeds of doubt. We doubt that God loves us, doubt that He desires to bless us, doubt that he will honor our desires. This doubt leads us to fear. In our fear, we may respond by grasping or taking instead of remaining in a place of trust.  Doubt means to be uncertain, to fear, to be afraid. Why do we plan and strive for what we think will bless us rather than wait for God's timing or say on the matter? Because we are afraid and we hide ourselves. We turn away from God. 

Now that we understand that the evil one uses doubt to tempt us to believe his lies, we need to identify what our desires are and where we may have doubts so that we can invite the Holy Spirit it shine his flashlight of truth there and help us to come back into union with God.

Dr. Phil says "you can't change what you won't acknowledge." This is so true! We must first see where we are being lied to before we can divorce ourselves from the liar and come into union with God and his truth and will for our lives. If we pretend that we don't need God or that what we are doing is God's will when it isn't we will remain miserable, lost and afraid.

By inviting the Holy Spirit in, we expose where the enemy of our soul (Satan) has put fear into our hearts. Adam and Eve were afraid and so they hid themselves. God desires for us to take off the fig leafs we hide behind. He wants us to not be afraid because He promises us that He will always show up. He wants to honor our desires and he wants to heap a double portion of blessings upon each of us. The question is, do we believe Him and what, if any, lies are obstacles to His truth coming alive in our hearts? One way to discover the answer to these questions is to journal. When we journal we contemplate, we meditate, we hold truth in our hearts and ponder it thus allowing it to be birthed within us. It is in this secret place where the Holy Spirit begins to speak to us. It is as if the Holy Spirit is a flashlight that illuminates things that we cannot see in the darkness. When we journal, our thoughts and emotions as well as our will is engaged and in this sacred place and time the Holy Spirit shines His healing light on the broken places in our hearts, minds and souls. He speaks to us gently there telling us what it is he wants us to know about his love for us.

After reading through "What is Trust" (Week 1 Day 1) I have put together some thoughts and questions to ponder and journal through.

Do we believe God is trustworthy? Are you afraid that God cannot be trusted to honor your heart's desires?  Why or Why not?

Where have you felt God has not shown up in your life or where do you feel you are still waiting for him to bless you?

Think of one memory in which God did show up or bless you?

What is it that you desire God to do in your life?

Now quietly pray to the Holy Spirit to come and shine a light on this desire and ask Him to show you what He wants you to know about this desire of your heart.

Prayer: Come, Holy Spirit, fire of mercy, Help me better to know the great and unsurpassable goodness of God. Amen (From Fr. Michael Gaitley)

We Are The Walking Dead; but not for long...

The Walking Dead is set to start it’s 5^th season on Sunday.  Interestingly we are all interested in these Zombie movies lately.  It’s either a zombie apocalypse or it’s an outbreak of illness that creates zombies.  It is as if Hollywood can see what so many of us are refusing to acknowledge. We are the walking dead.  Well to be fair some of us are the walking dead and some of us are the walking wounded. Drug addiction, alcoholism, porn addiction, food addiction, kids killing each other in school, people beheading other people for "God".  What the heck is going on? It seems like we are living in a world filled with zombies.  

What is interesting to me about all of these successful movies and sitcoms is how they parallel our own culture.  It is as if these movies are a commentary on our culture of death. We may not live in the biblical times of leprosy but we certainly live in a time of spiritual leprosy. We live in a fallen world and with fallen people. The new normal is not man and wife with three kids a dog, a house and a white picket fence. In fact, I am not even sure what the new normal is, but it is definitely not the “traditional” family. The movies we watch that are depicting human beings as zombies, are closer to the truth than most tv sitcoms.

We are all in need of healing.  We need to find a means from which to heal our wounds.  We are all wounded in some way. Some of us are living with the effects of sexual abuse or physical abuse; some of us were abandoned by our parents. Still others were emotionally abused or psychologically traumatized by alcoholic or drug addicted parents or even others were ritualistically abused. Whatever the your childhood, chances are you either experienced abuse or neglect yourself or someone very close to you did. The effects of abuse wounds us and it is in through these wounds that we begin to form our understandings and beliefs about who we are, who God is and whether or not we believe in anyone or anything.

The wounds that are inflicted upon us are openings to evil or negativity. Call it what you will, it is through wounds that we are opened up and it is as these moments we can become bound up as prisoner to our pain, our fears and the vows that we make to ourselves. We also need friends that we can trust to love us despite our wounds.  We need friends to help encourage us and help us find joy and courage to persevere so that we can go into those dark places and and bring healing to them. 

Property of AMC 

The reason why we are struggling in this world is not because we are somehow strange or because we are not faithful or pious enough, it is because we live in a world that has been divided because of sin. Being faithful and growing in holiness can help us in our struggles but unless we address our wounds we may find ourselves carrying a larger struggle than God desires for us to carry by ourselves.

 

Property of AMC

If you or someone you know feels they are nailed to their cross instead of carrying it, then perhaps you are in need of healing.

Here is the Good News! Christ came to restore us! He makes all things new! Am I saying that healing our wounds is as simple as bringing our suffering to Him on the cross? Yes I am. It is not simple or easy to do but it is simple in choice. 

But wait a minute...have you been seeing Jesus as some wimpy guy walking around in an effeminate gown talking in gentle high pitched voice? Cause my Jesus is not wimpy, he is B.A. (Bad Ass).  He will kick some major butt if anyone tries to mess with his girl (that's me).  Are you seeing Jesus as the laid down lover he is? He is ready and willing to run into the darkest of nights to bring in his lost bride (that's you).  You just have to call out to him...

by Stephen Lindsey

In scripture, it says we have a mighty savior that will wipe away every tear and comfort every infirmity and remove every sin for those who believe and trust in him.  Instead of despair we shall have the oil of gladness, instead of shame we shall have double honor, not just in heaven but here in our lives, progressively as grace perfects our nature. The zombies are the sin and the evil in the world and he wants to eradicate it so that you can be resurrected and made new!

Jesus wants your happiness in the world and in the next, he wants to set you free from all that has enslaved you! Everywhere you go he is with you and longs for you to trust in him.  He pursues all of us intensely because of his great love for us.  We are no surprise to God, he knew what he was getting when he made us! You are no surprise to God, I am no surprise to God yet he created us anyways! That is such a consolation! 

When our wounds are redeemed and washed clean in the blood of Christ we are made new. The very places you feel the most broken become your most beautiful gifts. He will shine out of your wounds in ways that will not only transform you, but it will transform the people around you. His light shines through our wounds revealing hope and healing.  When we are set free from the healing power of Jesus Christ we are able to retain the graces He pours out to us and we will have Christ to give them in their own thirst.

How can one begin? Pray this prayer. Come Holy Spirit Come. Next ask for prayer ministry. Even Jesus had someone help him carry his cross.  Then, find a healing mass and receive the sacrament of the sick so that your wounds can be healed. The sacraments are means of grace that fills us.  Grace perfects our nature and healing ministry is the means from which to retain this grace so that we can be transformed. It will be through this transformation that the world will be reconciled to God. 

St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville Wisconsin will be holding monthly healing mass to heal and free the oppressed.  If you need deliverance from the evil one, if you need healing for your afflictions then come to the living water! Come be healed! You will receive anointing with oil in the sacrament of the sick, there will be deliverance, there will be healing prayer ministry and you will be given an arsenal kit to take home so as to continue finding healing and freedom. Spread the word! If you are traveling and need help finding a place to stay then email me and I will see what I can do. 

November 8th, 2014 7pm

December 13th, 2014 7pm

January 10th, 2014 7pm

February 7th, 2014 7pm

1. Address: St. Mary's Immaculate Conception Church  N2385 Municipal Dr, Greenville, WI 54942

   Phone:(920) 757-6555

   EmbracingYourGreatness@gmail.com

Letting Go

At first I thought going to a memorial service to say good-bye to Kolbe (the baby I just lost in miscarriage) was that last thing I would do.  The thought of making myself emotionally vulnerable and go back into the wound that I just wanted to walk away from was the least appealing idea to me.  Yet, when the priest at my Church texted to tell me that the cemetery that Kolbe was to be buried at had a memorial service being offered the very next week after losing my baby, it seemed to be an invitation from God. Either that or it was very coincidental that within a week of miscarrying there was a service being offered. Then he told me that the day it was offered was the very day we had a meeting scheduled anyways so he knew I would be free.

I have begun to see these kind of coincidences as ways in which God is gently nudging me in a particular direction.  They are painful nudges, but they are invitations that I have begun to understand as doors God the Father desires for me, His daughter to walk through because He want to take me deeper, closer and farther in my spiritual walk towards Him.

I can refuse these invitations, but I some how know if I do I will be staying right where I am.  A couple of years ago I began recognizing these invitations for the first time.  I did not realize that I was always being invited and had even accepted many of them.  Instead I had thought I was just "experiencing" deeper intimacy here and there, randomly.   Then it happened.  I was in Florida at a Healing Retreat dealing with the shit storm of what is my life and I heard the Holy Spirit prompt me to accept His invitation.  That is when I recognized that I am always being given invitations.  What do they look like? Usually they look very painful.  That particular night the invitation was clear.  "When I invite you, say yes.  If you do, I will heal you.  If you don't, you will stay where you are." The Holy Spirit was telling me that even when it was scary and felt like dying that if I trusted Him and said yes to whatever it was He was inviting me to, that on the other side of it I would find healing.  It is as if you are blind-folded and walking through traffic and someone is reaching their hand out on the other side telling you to walk toward them.  As scary as that felt, I still heard Him saying "Trust Me."

Even now I am having a hard time articulating the intense fear and reservation that still accompanies his invitations.  That invitation in Florida, the one that opened my eyes to see that I am always being invited, changed my life.  I call it my undoing because I was undone, but then I was made new.  

I heard the invitation to walk into the loss of this baby when it would be so much easier to just continue marching forward and get on with my life.  It is so easy to do with all of the things on my calendar.  I could easily slip away from it all and just try to forget.  Yet, here I was standing in a cemetery listening to poems being read out loud by other women who just lost their babies.  The most beautiful part of the ceremony was the moment the woman there handed me a purple balloon in honor of Kolbe.  As it was placed in my hands the tears slipped out of my eyes and down my face.  To hold something in my hands that was for Kolbe broke open the stones I had tried to put around the wound in my heart to keep from feeling the loss.  One of my most favorite songs ever started playing as we were invited to say goodbye in our own private way.

I watched  a mother and three children each take a balloon and tie a note to the string.  They released their balloons together and I watched as she kneeled on the ground holding her children and watching with them as the balloons rose in the air carrying their little notes with them.

Looking back at my own balloon I closed my eyes for a brief moment and I swear I saw Kolbe holding hands with his siblings in heaven, laughing and running chasing after the balloons like children do.  Then I did what I must always do  when I am going to accept an invitation sent to me from God my Father.  I let go.

If It Be Your Will

I love this image by William Blake because it speaks of what it means to unite oneself and ones desires to the will of God.  It speaks of reconciliation and of union.  I love the pose of the man as it is reminiscent of the cross, with his hands extended in such a way.  The body speaks a language and this man's body is saying to me that while he realizes the suffering, the cross that comes when he opens himself to God there is a peace and resting that takes place by allowing God to embrace him.  The fulfillment of all desire can only happen if we unite our desires to that of God's for us. Knowing this is one thing, knowing it as an experience is and entirely different thing.

Earlier this week I had a song playing through my mind.  It's a Leonard Cohen tune called "Waiting For a Miracle." Listening to Leonard if feels as if time slows down just a little bit and my mind quiets down.  It calms me, it transports me out of the chaos of a given moment into an interior life that feels like prayer.  St. Frances said when we sing we pray twice so perhaps music is it's own form of prayer.  "Waiting For a Miracle" says it all.

I was waiting for a miracle to come.  The way Leonard sings it, with such gentle melancholy expresses the tenderness of desire to have what I want, yet at the same time expresses the sadness of knowing that it would take a miracle.  There is no begging or pleading, just a hope and desire for it.  This has been my hearts song for the past week.

This morning I woke up with another Leonard Cohen song singing itself into my mind.  I had to smile because I felt it was a grace from God that caused it to sing me awake. It was my first thought as I opened my eyes.

"If It Be Your Will" is a song that I have loved for many years.  It is a song I have sung in times where I desired to embrace the will of God and not my own and I prayed for his grace to be poured into me so that I could desire it.  The part that says;

"If it be your will

That I speak no more 
And my voice be still 
As it was before 
I will speak no more 
I shall abide until 
I am spoken for 
If it be your will"

Became a prayer of sorts as I struggled with attacks from people that took it upon themselves to try and destroy my speaking career.   I know that God has the only power to do anything.  This song is my new prayer as I have transitioned into the hardest part of this miscarriage.  I am still waiting, but not for a miracle to come, but for a miracle of life that was created inside of me to make it's way out.  It is the hardest for me because I wonder what I will see or worse, that I will miss him or her and flush her away.  That is why it's hardest.  I just want this part to be done so I can transition to healing.

When I reached for my phone this morning I saw the tweet of Pope Francis. As if to affirm that the song that was sung to me as I awoke was indeed inspired by the Holy Spirit, his "tweet" spoke of God's will being my own.

"The one who listens attentively to the Word of God and truly prays, always asks the Lord: what is your will for me?" Pope Francis

I can thank God for transitioning my heart this morning by a gift of His grace.  I truly know that I want what He wants. I know there has been nothing wasted, a soul will exist for all eternity and his/her name is Kolbe and will be praying me into heaven.

I realized early on in this process that I could offer this suffering to God.  I solidified this during the mass yesterday when I offered my body as a living sacrifice.  I offered my body as an altar upon which to offer this miscarriage as a spiritual sacrifice to God and asked for Mary to give the graces to her priests who offer themselves daily without ever being able to hold the results in their arms.  I asked for the gift of spiritual motherhood to the priests in my life, that I would love them as Mary does.  That I would see them as my sons that need a mother to pray for them, to love them and offer prayers and sufferings for their protection.  I usually never help distribute communion, but I was inspired to do so.

I felt inspired to offer communion and felt the love of my heart being poured out to every person who approached Jesus.  I found myself looking deeply into each persons eyes as they came forward and felt a deep merciful love of Mary in me flow out to them.  I did not look at them as they approached, I would see them.  I would see their goodness and longing and desire to be filled and offer them the living God that is the only thing that can fill that void.

I am in a good place today.  God is Good, all the time, God is Good.

I Grieve

SUNDAY, MAY 3:40PM

Before reading this post please listen to The Song "I Grieve" By Peter Gabriel. You can listen to it while you read my blog as it will open in a separate tab.  This song as it embodies the emotions that I am experiencing.  It captures the moment of my life that I am living, right now.  The lyrics are so perfect...  There is something beautiful and something so raw about embracing life even when it means that we embrace the intensity of suffering, sadness and grief.

I am working through my emotions as I experience this miscarriage by journaling here on my blog.  I have a hard time with allowing myself to cry, to feel.  It is easier to numb myself.  I have become quite good at.  When I wrote the last two posts the flood gates opened in a way that I realized I needed.  I only realized it after I opened to feeling the pain. It almost seems like I am not supposed to be grieving.  Some of the questions I get like "how far along are you" is just code for "your not far enough along to be so upset."

I was almost ready to numb myself through this but then I realized that I really am hurting and if I don't face into that hurt it is going to come out sideways.  It always does.   Rather than stay in denial, or turn to anger as a means to control my pain,  I am choosing to embrace the pain that comes from feeling everything, talking about it and processing it in the moment.  It hurts.  I still find I cannot stay in the moment with my feelings and allow myself the grief that is just below the surface because life does go on, and on and on and on.  My children need me, my house has chores and there is work to be done.  I keep having to push down the sadness and disappointment and grief.

I will keep updating this one post as I document the process of losing Kolbe.  If you are just happening upon this blog post then you can read the first two posts by clicking the links.  The first one, "I'm Having a Miscarriage" and "Deep Sorrow"  will get you up to speed and I will put headers of the day and or times of the new entries...

Where am I at right now? Well, this image helps to make that clear. Right now I am angry at my body and I feel very alone.

I am angry with my body for failing to protect this precious little person. I feel alone because not everyone sees a miscarriage as the loss of a child.  Instead it seems to be viewed as the way the body discards babies that were possibly genetically inferior and "for the best."  I don't know why I am miscarrying but I do know that the reality is that I am losing a baby.

So where am I at in the process today? I am still waiting. I have a terrible back-ache, I am cramping but as of right now I am still waiting for my body to complete this process it seems to have committed itself to.  There is light spotting of pinkish brown mucus. It  reminds me of when I would go into labor. The first stage was losing the mucus plug.   It was so exciting to see that process begin  because it meant the long wait to have a baby was finally going to be over.  It signaled that very soon, a baby would be placed into my arms.  It signaled that a process was starting.  It was a sign indicating that a process had begun in which the result would be my child leaving my body.

It means the same thing today but there is no joy in it for me.   There is only grief.  So I will walk into that.  I will grieve.

I Am Having A Miscarriage

www.PaintingsByCynthia.com

This may be a bit of a difficult blog post to follow over the next few days but I'm finding that I need to use this blog to sort out my emotions during this inevitable miscarriage.

That's right, I'm going to lose my child. Before I know if he or she is a he or she I am faced with the reality that I will never hold this child in arms not will it suckle at my breasts.

Science has revealed the future to me and I have mixed emotions about knowing that sooner rather than later this pregnancy will be ending.

Last week I went to have blood drawn to check the HCG levels in my blood. This test detects a level of a specific hormone that a newly conceived child produces after it implants in the uterus.

This hormone is the same hormone that darkens the second line on a urine test indicating pregnancy. If that hormone decreases rather than increases, it indicates that miscarriage is inevitable.

I found out 4 days ago that my levels decreased, a lot. The exact words from my doctor were;

"Dear Christina
I am sorry to half to tell you but this is not a viable pregnancy. Your quants have dropped and we need to have you stop all progesterone. You should be able to miscarry on your own by simply stopping the progesterone. It can take A few weeks but with the low quants I do not suspect it will take long if you have not already noted bleeding.

Things to be concerned about are very brisk bleeding, increased abd pain, fever, fould smelling discharge for which you need an acute evaluation
We do need to follow the quants down to normal
I would recheck next week Monday

I will keep you in prayer during this time
Love and prayers

Michelle"

I have a great Doctor, but it's still hard to deal with, knowing I'm going to lose this baby.

I'm still waiting. The only sign of miscarriage this far is that just now, about 5 minutes ago I saw a tiny bit of pink and brown tinged colored mucus. Is this it? Is it beginning? Please Jesus, help me to bear this weight. It's so painful. I'm grieving the impending loss of Kolbe, the name I've given this child. If it was a boy, I wanted to name him "Maximillian Kolbe" if a girl, Claira Kolbe. So it seems fitting, to call my son or daughter by his or her name, Kolbe.

I wonder if you are already with Jesus or if you are still hanging on, waiting with me as the numbers drop low enough till finally you can no longer hold on. I love you Kolbe, your omit and Opi, your brother and two other siblings cannot wait to meet you. Until then, know how very much I will miss you.
Mommy

MY BOOK IS DONE ON HEALING WOUNDS FROM SEXUAL ABUSE!

I have just finished my first book.  Please consider ordering a copy, especially if you know someone who is struggling to heal from Sexual Abuse or Childhood Trauma's.

ORDER MY BOOK BY CLICKING THIS LINK

UPDATED! Healing The Whole Person; Borderline Personality Disorder

HEALING THE WHOLE PERSON

Facing My Identity wounds (Borderline Personality Disorder)
GET MY BOOK: GET MY BOOK ON HEALING IDENTITY DISORDERS HERE

The CDC says that 1 in 4 people are sexually abused.  We are the walking wounded and many people are taking pills to numb the pain.  Traditional therapy  offers a clinical diagnosis as well as a psychological stigma for those seeking help to cope with the ramifications of growing up neglected, abandoned, traumatized and or abused. I have always known that traditional therapy was not the answer. 

As a person who went to school for and earned a degree in Psychology, I have read many books regarding this subject.  Some of the graduate courses I took in Family and Individual Counseling required us to have patients and we recorded the sessions to be critiqued as a class with our professor.  Even then I was frustrated with the process of diagnosing instead of bringing healing.  

It seemed like they were not teaching us to ask what the diagnosis meant, after all, we diagnose so we can bring healing and wellness right?  What traditional therapy does is diagnose and help cope with symptoms.  What inner healing does is make the person whole, it heals them, just like we heal disease of the body, it is my belief that inner healing can restore our person, our  well being.

 It is easy when we are dealing with a physical illness to  desire a diagnosis.  We see a doctor and get a test so that we can diagnose and treat our illness.  But what happens when you have an identity wound? You cannot get a blood test and have someone tell you to take this pill three times a day until gone and then you are well.

But Christ says He makes all things new and He promises us healing.  Was He lying? Are we expecting to much? Are we giving the cross and God too much power?  I say it is the exact opposite.  We do not expect enough.  We do not believe Christ really has the power to work miracles.  In fact, He worked miracles of healing and told the apostles that they would do all of the things He did and more! We are called to bring healing and deliverance to those in misery and suffering to be a sign of His power.  Christ desires to restore us and in our healing, be a witness and visible sign to the world that our God is an awesome God and that He Reigns in Heaven and on earth.  He can make us whole.  

When we are healed we become more joyful.  We are called to evangelize and bring people to Christ but when many of us are wounded from sin and the sins of others we are not exactly a billboard for Christ.  I was no exception.  I would try to “fake it” as best as I could.  After all the expression “fake it until you make it” was how I lived my life.  But I was tired of the counterfeit.  I wanted a double portion.  I needed HOPE!

The retreat that I attended was called “Healing The Whole Person” and was held at a Catholic parish in Florida.  The day of the conference I walked from the hotel to the Church taking my time getting there, as I was somewhat afraid of what would transpire once I got there.

When I arrived at the Church and made my way in to what appeared to be an old cafeteria with a stage area, I took notice of a large statue of saint on the main stage.  I remember wondering who he was and then found a seat towards the back.

The first opportunity to meet with one of the trained therapists came and came I went up to the stage area to sit in a private area with him.  As he led me through the process of uncovering the areas I was bound up in I was led to a re-occurring image in my mind of me in a crib crying and no one coming to me. 

I did not think it was a real memory; rather it seemed to be a connection to a belief.   It seemed to be a representative of not feeling neither heard nor having my real needs met.  Perhaps one of the most profound revelations occurred that day when I realized that someone could be both good and bad at the same time.  I also was I introduced to finding my identity in the Father rather than trying to prove it or earn it.  Having these two belief’s healed help to free me and heal me from what I now believe some refer to as "Borderline Personality Disorder". 

When I sat with my second trained counselor and a nun from the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and Mary something shifted.  I actually felt something weird happen in my chest.  The nun looked at me and asked me what I was experiencing as she was praying for me.  I told her I did not know how to explain it.  I told her it felt like my heart swelled up inside of my chest and stretched the rib cage or something.  

I saw in my mind a picture of what I had felt.  I told her that the cartoon “The Grinch Stole Christmas” has a scene where his heart grew in his chest and he grabbed it and yelled out as it grew several sizes.  I told her that is what it felt like, I literally felt like my heart was growing in my body.  I would have been worried that I was having heart palpitations or some kind of medical emergency but with this sensation I felt an infusion of joy and peace and what felt like a deep sigh of relief.  

She smiled at me and pointed to the large statue on the stage.  Do you know who that is? She asked me.  No, I replied.

That is St. Philip Neri, he was a saint that experienced such a transformation when the Holy Spirit permeated him that his heart grew inside of his chest and swelled so large that it cracked one of his ribs.  

It was later confirmed after his death that one of his ribs did indeed crack.  I was blown away that this same Saint, the one I have never heard of that just so happened to be the Saint over this particular parish, was present in the very place in which I not only found a great healing but experienced some kind of physical manifestation that strangely paralleled his own experience.  I believe I not only received a healing of my identity but that at the moment the Holy Spirit came and brought healing and restoration to my identity I had a sensation that accompanied it as if to validate that it not only happened but it was very real.

 I was not faking it, I was feeling it! I was infused with Joy and I felt like I had value, not because I impressed anyone or earned it, I was just “good” and I rested there and absorbed as much of it as I could.

It was my first taste of healing what I now am certain was from aspects or areas that are understood as BPD.  

I really want to take a moment to go over what Borderline Personality Disorder is because I believe many people who have been sexually abused or experienced traumatic childhoods like I did are actually  dealing with identity wounds that distort their ability to know themselves and to know God and are not dealing with a  psychological "disorder".  

Being abused has a very real and powerful effect on shaping our identity.  To merely dismiss that and label someone as being "disordered" is, in my opinion, causing more damage and in a sense, keeps their pain and cries for help unheard.

I realize we can categorize and diagnose and give it a name such as Borderline Personality Disorder but what good is it to give it a name if you do not understand it enough to help bring healing?

I believe Borderline Personality Disorder is a fancy name for Identity wounds.

Identity wounds distort our ability to love ourselves, to love others and to love or know God.  Instead of dealing with the real issue, identity wounds, people are being  diagnosed with a disorder.  Ironically, the worse thing you could do to someone with identity wounds is to give them an identity as being "disordered".  

When you look at the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) it becomes clear that Inner Healing work helps to heal all of the lies that cause a person to exhibit the very criteria necessary for diagnosis.  That has got me to thinking, what if BPD is really just an identity wound that has been left to cause such illness that it causes a schism in the person and their ability to see truth, to live their lives or to love and be loved?

We are complex human beings and Theology of the Body helps us to get a bigger picture as to who we are and how we are made rather than basing our truth in the disorders that result from sin. 

 Our experiences in and through our bodies shape our understandings and beliefs and those beliefs can bind us up in such a way that we act on those beliefs in disordered ways. 

When a person experiences a trauma, for example sexual abuse, this trauma creates a deep wound penetrating our identity and distorting our  “person”.

The criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder seems to reveal more about the fracturing or creating of a schism or division within our person than it does about our disordering our personality. 

 Using the teachings of Theology of the Body, it seems clear that Psychology may help us to understand the wounds within our identity as a “person” and how those wounds shape our beliefs.  Our beliefs effect our actions and behaviors so perhaps using the 9 Criteria's for diagnosing BPD could actually help us recognize an identity wound.  Perhaps the 9 disordered behaviors are really just distress symptoms that when rightly understood, can lead us to the areas we need to find healing.

Lets think about the word “disorders” through the lens of Theology of the Body.  For something to be disordered it has to have been rightly ordered but then gotten twisted up.  This is what happened with original sin.  What was good and right became disordered due to sin.  If this is correct then we see we are all disordered in one way or another.  How helpful is it to give a diagnosis of a disorder to someone who has an issue with identity? I am guessing it creates further disorder and woundedness.  Let's call this disorder what it truly is which is a distortion.  

A person with BPD is really someone without a sense of identity.   They are unable to base their value and their worth on truth but instead their identity is reliant upon others.   The only one that can give us our identities is God because He is truth, life and love from an unchanging source.  

 What if you have wounds preventing you from going to God for this identity? Many people with sexual abuse wounds and other traumatic wounds form childhood have such a problem and I was no exception. 

 The diagnostic criteria for BPD can in my opinion, be used as a model in identifying distress symptoms of those dealing with a schism or fracture of personhood from PTSD or sexual abuse trauma.  It is the trauma that creates the schism and distorts the person and their ability to see rightly and experience others with true freedom to love and be loved. 

I believe I suffered from a schism from the traumas of my childhood some of which included sexual abuse.  This schism distorted my perception of my identity as well as my ability to love and be loved by others.  If love is a self to an “other” than it makes sense that a distortion to my identity affects my ability to see myself as a gift from God, thus making me incapable of loving rightly.  If I am unable to see an “other” as being a gift from God, then I am incapable of receiving or connecting or interacting in healthy relationships. 

I know now this has been the case in my life.  I have believe that in my own life, some of the criteria of BPD I meet may actually be indicative of an identity wound  rather than a psychological disorder.

I recently got the book “I hate you-don’t leave me; Understanding the borderline personality” by Dr. Jerold Kreisman

In Dr. Kreisman’s book he uses the DSM-III-R (diagnostic criteria of borderline personality disorder, herein referred to as BPD) to define the criteria of BPD and being present 80% of the time.  I will be using this “criteria” as distress symptoms of a person with Identity Wounds. 

Criteria 1)

Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes towards others (from idealizing them to devaluing or clingy dependence or isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others. It can also be referred to as "splitting".  To protect myself I put people in one of two categories.  They were either good or bad.  I could not trust the bad people, I could trust the good people.  If someone I believed was "good" hurt me, I did not see a good person making a mistake or doing something bad, instead they became "bad" in my mind.  

My  Identity Wounds has led to many unstable relationships.  It is because of my being able to reconcile the fact that people could be good and do bad things and remain good as well as my fear of intimacy.   Because of my Identity wounds I have made unrealistic demands on others and many times have been referred to as being spoiled. 

I have always had to ask others what they think and get input from those I saw as "better" than me or more "good".  My identity wounds create such a distrust of others that I have great difficulty trusting the motives of almost everyone I have ever met.    This is because it provided me the only protection I felt that I had, if I could be proactive in determining who is safe and who is not then I felt more capable of not being hurt.  

This also causes a great loneliness as no one would ever really be allowed in.  There is even a process to determine if someone is able to be considered as a worthy of my trust.  It was as if there was a "circle of trust" and hardly anyone has ever been allowed in.  

I can say for certainty that my husband is in the circle.  Dr. Bob is in the circle of trust.  Fr. Bryce is in the circle of trust.  Lynn is in the circle of trust.  I can not say for certain if anyone else has ever been allowed in.  I am still learning to let people in.  I still find myself watching peoples facial expressions, keeping tabs on inconsistencies that may expose them as being inauthentic and this creates a greater loneliness and despair. 

I have created a reality in which hardly anyone is allowed in and yet the fear of being alone has caused me to become extremely dependent on my husband and my children.  I want them to be with me but because of my fears and feeling of deep inadequacy and shame I did not want them to touch me or expect to much intimacy.  The guilt from this exacerbates the self-loathing.  

The word intimacy is sometimes referred to as In-To-Me-See.  For someone with identity issues I wanted people to look anywhere but at me.  The irony of this is that I longed to be seen.    I was victimized so I was very distrustful of people growing up, even by those who seemed to care. I believed the lie that they were only trying to get me to let down my guard or perhaps they just wanted something.  This thinking is what led to the destruction of all of my friendships with women.  

I have never liked being touched.  If my identity is distorted then the shame runs so deep it is as if I am untouchable as much as I am unlovable.  If you cannot give what you don't have then, perhaps I have been unable to touch and be touched because I had no source of love to share with others.  I am continuing to work on this and have not found full healing here but there are many days I am more capable of affection than others and that is a definite improvement from where I was. 

My first healing in this came when Charlie stood up at the Theology of The Body Course on Love and Responsibility and pronounced to me and the other 100 students that he thought I was beautiful and wonderful and looked forward to me coming into class everyday just to behold the gift of femininity that I made visible.  I was affirmed just because I was good.  It came from someone I could believe and receive it from and in that moment a lie about who I was and the value I had was exposed.

I was healed.  Now I have been learning to grow in maturity in this area.  

 Criteria 2) Impulsiveness in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-destructive, i.e. chemical abuse (tried that), sexual promiscuity (check!), gambling (not so far but only because I knew to stay away), shoplifting (yes), excessive spending (still fighting this one), overeating (did it say only 2? Cause this makes 4), anorexia nervosa (no self control for this one) or bulimia (so now I am at 5 areas).

The criteria of strong, sudden feelings and perceptions cause impulsiveness that causes repetitive mistakes is used to as diagnostic criteria.  I have always been proud to refer to myself as someone that  “flies by the seat of my pants”.  The need for immediate gratification and absolutely no patience has attributed to much of my impulsiveness.  

 The lack of self-control continues to cause idolatries in my life.  I make an idol of substance to comfort me.  I become slothful when I am overwhelmed.  I buy things to make me feel better.  I find I still get angry over the simplest of things but I know realize that this is symptom and should be catching my attention so I can discern what triggered my identity wound.  I know realize I must path attention to it and go to the Father and check in with Him first to be affirmed and know who I am with mercy. Then and only then do I look at why I am upset or mad.  Usually it is a trigger that is relating back to an old belief that I am bad, selfish, manipulative or undeserving of love and happiness.  

This awareness of myself came from learning about the cycles of addictions as related to shame taught by Dr. Bob at my very first course.  Being a Psychologist I have a great awareness of how we think and feel and then observing behaviors as a direct result.  I always loved Dr. Phil's comment "You can't change what you won't acknowledge" and it is for this reason I have always looked to the why behind what I do.  The problem was I was looking without Christ's mercy and so what I saw was ugly everything everyone said it was.  The rage came to protect myself and the excuses and blaming things on other people was the only way I was able to live in my own skin. 

As a youth, I would use self-destructive behavior to cope and release some of the pain.  This would create guilt which in term caused more shame and then I would seek out substance to numb or comfort myself.  It is as if we know that sin deserves to be punished and our wounds convince us we ARE our sins and so we punish ourselves.  It is interesting how the devil brings us 99% truth (always without the Merciful love of Jesus Christ) and 1% lie and this is the rope we hang ourselves by.  When I found healing in this was when I heard Joyce Meyers speaking on an early morning show.  She said "When the devil comes to tell you what a sinner you are and remind you of all the things you have done and why you are unworthy of being saved, tell him that God knew what He was doing when He made you.  You are no surprise to God. You are not Holy Ghost jr. He knew you would fail Him and  yet He created you anyway.  If Satan has a problem with you tell Him to take it up with God."

Wow! It's true! It's not like God is watching my life play out like a sitcom and when a new episode airs is hitting himself in the forehead saying "What was I thinking!" No! He knew He wanted me to exist.  He knew me and knew my name and knew when and where to bring me into existence, in the words of Caryll Housleander "Out of all of the potential souls, God chose me!".  The book "Reed of God" was a book I came across about 5 years ago and it brought such healing to my identity wounds that to this day I use it in all of my talks.  My identity is in God the Father and by my baptism I have been adopted as His daughter.  I am a daughter of the most high King.  I am not a mistake.  I am not my identity in my family, I am not an identity in my sin, I am Christina and my names mean to bring and witness to Christ.  The fact that my married name is Christina King is not lost on me.  It is a daily reminder that I am indeed royalty.

I have exhibited at least 5 of the above indicators.  I have tried to control everything even my healing.  I now realize that control is a false idol to cope with feeling powerless or being afraid I will be abandoned and alone.  When I am unable to control I get anxious and angry and either have a panic attack or rage.  I believe that panic attacks can be another symptom of identity wounds.  

 

Criteria 3) Radical mood shifts include depression, irritability, and anxiety and last either a few hours and rarely last days.  The person with identity wounds bounces between enthusiastic periods of energetic creativity to unproductive morbid self-pity and depression, blaming his/her failures on others. 

I have always been told I was moody.  I get anxious and irritable when I feel I am being assaulted but now it is less often and not such a huge shift.  I have tried to identify what triggers me.  Tone of voice can be huge.  When someone’s identity is fragile, tone of voice can feel like a lashing rather than just a simple question. 

The guilt and shame go so deep that often words can trigger a person who has been assaulted by the same or similar words in childhood.  The other reason my moods would change would be that I was hearing something that was not being said.  I would hear people speak and assume something they said was a passive aggressive attack on me in some way and I would try to "self-justify."  Self-justification is a huge indicator of identity wounds.

My need to justify myself came across as bragging or being pretentious or just down right rude and full of myself.  When my family had legitimate needs they were trying to express I would self-justify and they would then believe their needs were not important and that I just did not care.

More and more I begin to hear what people are saying rather than what my distorted identity was allowing me to hear.  This has been huge in my healing of my whole person.  I am also gentler with myself and try not to "should" all over myself.  I realize I am not the fourth person of the holy trinity and so I am going to fall short.  I am called to faithful not successful and this gives me hope.  

My healing of this came when I begged Jesus Christ to heal me of the spirit of control.   I was using the above things to control the pain or to control my happiness or to control how valuable or worthy I was.  I was making an idol of things to replace God because I was I did not know God and did not know He love me just as I was.  I did not have to fix myself before I could come to Him.   I was finally able to do this was when I renounced Control. I asked forgiveness from God and then renounced the enemies hold over my life.  

 In the name of Jesus, I took authority in Jesus' name and renounced  Control.  God began to uncover the lies I had allowed to be sown in my heart about what being "vulnerable" meant and as He did I became less fearful and more trusting.  Once I realized vulnerability was strength, I was more capable of opening myself to those around me.  Once I did this, I was able to hear them and to stop justifying myself.  I could forgive myself when I fell short as long as I went to God the Father to affirm me in my identity.  This was probably the biggest deliverance of my entire healing process.  

Criteria 4) Inappropriate and intense outbursts of anger can cause someone with identity wounds to have unpredictable and frightening behaviors that are disproportionate to what triggers them.  The underlying fuel of the rage is great fear and guilt of disappointing someone and fear of being abandoned.  It is so intense and so easily invoked that often their spouse or their children receive the brunt of their rage.  The irony is that the fear of intimacy is a cry for help.  The person with identity wounds pushes away the people they need most.  They may even rage against their therapists, testing their commitment to stay. 

When I met with repercussions I have always raged.  Rage is another indicator of identity wounds.  It is as if deep down that place that St. Augustine speaks of as "knowing we were made for God" screams out against the lies and self-loathing and says "I am good".  The story "Horton Hears a Who" comes to mind.  I imagine that place deep inside where we know we are a "person" is yelling out "I am here! I am here!" I believe the rage is a self protection of that one tiny shred of hope and truth that remains that is trying to protect itself.  

My identity wounds caused me to misinterpret the motives, intentions and even actions of those around me.  I would believe they were attacking what little shred of goodness I was managing to hold on to and so the rage was about forcing them out and protecting my shred of goodness.  If they were right, then I was bad and I just could not live with that.   

 When I was not able to control someone or my environment the anxiety would get so intense that I would either rage or attack.  I would get so intense that everyone around me would back way off and look at me as if I had lost it. In fact, I had lost it.  The intense emotions would rise up so fast and so strong it felt like a tidal wave rising up and engulfing me.  It was sink or swim.  To sink meant to look at what was happening and why I was reacting and that felt like drowning.  The reason is I did not have mercy to help me see myself without prejudice or fear.  To see I was wrong would mean I was bad.  I could not reconcile good and bad.  A person was either one or the other.  

I continue to smile at the ironies that I was controlling, but out of control.  I wanted to be seen but did not want anyone to see me.  I was terrified at being alone but I pushed people away.  

As I said previously, I used to have so many issues with this but I believe I no longer rage.  I do get angry still over the littlest of things at times but I am getting better and better at asking forgiveness from my children or husband and to owning up to things I did or said that were not loving or fair to them.  It has taught me an aspect of humility that allows me to love myself more when I do things that are not Christ like.  If grace perfects our nature, then I must be able to retain more grace, as I am growing more and more comfortable in my own skin.  

I realize now that I do not have to feel bad about raging at God.  He can handle it and wants me to lay it all at his feet, even my rage.   I still turn to food to comfort or and now realize this is what Gluttony is, an idolatry of substance for comfort.  It is another way in which I try to not be vulnerable and take what it hurting to God.  Anytime we make an idol of something it is because we are not willing or able to go to God the Father.  If this happens, we must ask him to reveal the barrier to us.  We must ask His help to remove the obstacles. 

Criteria 5) Re-occurring suicidal threats, self-mutilating behaviors or comments about dying soon or wanting to die are frequent ways to communicate the deep pain and are real pleas for help.

Self-mutilation (I am including excessive piercing and tattooing) is signs of identity wounds.  Excessive use of drugs and alcohol and even food are also means of self-mutilation and although I did not fall into excessive use of substance to cope with my pain I have used substance.   

I used to pull my hair out of my head until vanity caused me to turn to cutting myself.  I remember it make me feel powerful and not so weak. I also liked how it let me feel like I was taking the edge off of the latent anger inside of me.    Some scratch themselves, cut themselves or burn themselves.  It is a form of releasing some of the guilt or alleviates some of the suffering they are experiencing internally.  It is a way to connect the body to the pain of the inside, the person and identity are making visible the invisible ugliness and they are able to find a release or even feelings of euphoria from it.  

The reason persons with identity wounds self-mutilate could be to experience the endorphins the body releases during the mutilation (self-treatment for pain) or perhaps it is the souls relief that now the hidden pain is being made visible in some way, uniting the body in expressing what the soul cannot express.  Whatever the reason, this is a hallmark of identity wounds.This is Theology of the Body.  Making the invisible visible! See me! See my pain!  To manifest the inner pain in a physical sign on the body is to allow the "whole person" to express it consistently and to feel whole.  

Criteria 6) Identity distortion in at least two of the following areas; 1. Self-image, 2. Sexual Orientation 3. Long term goals or career 4. Type of friends desired or 5. Preferred values. 

I have never accepted my own intelligence or attractiveness.  I was taught early on that this is something subjective.  I was taught my multiplication table by being quizzed and then slapped in the head when I missed one.  I was yelled at and made to feel stupid.  To me, being smart is something you earn and it is judged by how smart or stupid you are compared to others.   

 I was told regularly when I got to fat so my body image was always about looking a "certain" way.  Whenever I would feel pretty, I would see someone prettier than me and then I would feel ugly again. 

My identity was graded on a curve and my value had to be proven over and over again.  The little bit of self-esteem I had was gained through impressing others and was necessary and critical to love myself.  I name-dropped; I bragged about whom I knew and what I was doing all in an attempt to impress people so that I could love myself.  My identity was in the hands of others and so it was a very fragile thing.  

I felt fake and that I had to "be" someone people would like.  I tried to be or emulate attributes that others had that I liked. I remember talking like a girl I went to school with, dressing like another, you named it I would try it all in an attempt to find that perfection that would make people like me.  

Some people with identity issues change their jobs, friends and even life goals frequently some may even change their sexual orientation.  This can be from Gender Shame and this is covered in the appendix.  Persons with identity wounds are more susceptible to joining cults because they are seeking unconditional acceptance. They want to be affirmed as good.  This is the basic human need of every person but many do not get this, especially when neglect, trauma or abuse is present in early child hood.  This also can lead some into very destructive relationships of physical abuse.  I am grateful this was not the case for me. 

I have driven many people away from my attempts to prove myself, to accomplish then herald it to others.  I only did it to say "See, I am valuable" but this can seen and heard as "Look at me! I am better than you!".  I never realized that when I would feel threatened by someone sharing something they did or accomplished, that I would immediately attempt to prove how I some how was just as good or better in that area.  Now that I have become aware of that, I have gone back and asked people's forgiveness at making them feel little and I have shared vulnerably how I was attempting to cover my feelings of being inadequate.  Their success triggered my wounds.  This has not only been healing of many relationships but it also has been freeing for me to see how affirmed I am when I do not have to earn or prove my worth.

by Anthony Kerrigan

Criteria 7)A person with identity wounds has chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.  They long and desire for purpose and without it some people with identity wounds chose to end their lives rather than face the feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose.

There was only one time that I thought about suicide.  I was in high school and had just moved back to live with my mother.  I put almost a whole bottle of aspirin in my mouth and when I closed the medicine cabinet and saw myself in the mirror, I could not do it.  I saw myself with a mouth full of aspirin and thought, "What are you doing?"  I did not end my life but there have been many days where I stayed in bed and slept the day away unable to face my life.  I still have days where I am filled with emptiness.  When I was in bed pregnant on bed rest, I very much went to a place of feeling like I would be better off dead.  Those have been dark times for me and were before my healing experience.  When you feel you have no purpose, life becomes very difficult and can feel empty.  When you know God created you for a reason then you know there is a purpose to everyone’s life, even our suffering has purpose when we unite it to God and go to him for the answer to the burning questions inside of us.  

My greatest healing in this came when I read "The Reed of God" and realized the when we embrace virginal emptiness we realize the emptiness is not without form.  The reed by a babbling river is cut and wittled out with stops cut into the outside.  But when the creator blows his breath into the emptiness lyrical music is played.  The emptiness gives the reed its beautiful form from which to pour out it's greatest gift.  A golden chalice does not come in the form of the beautiful flower it resembles but is instead made from first gathering gold from mud and rock from which it must be hewn.  It is then melted down and poured into a form and then beaten by countless blows of a mallet to give it the emptiness from which it's purpose is manifested.  The chalice's emptiness is the space in which wine can be poured and then offered in the sacrifice of the mass!  A nest is created when a mother bird gathers the materials from which to create it and then it is her tender breast that forms the emptiness from which her babes will find their home.  

Each of us are formed in some way.  We are either pounded into our shape or perhaps our lives felt more like being cut and whittled.  Maybe you feel like you were held to a hot fire and melted down before being poured into your shape.  Still others will be formed by tender love.  Whatever the method, our emptiness, our shape is the perfect emptiness from which God desires to pour Himself into so to that He may play His lyrical music through us, our to sacrifice Himself through us or to bring a drink of Him to those in thirst.  

Emptiness is necessary or else there is no place for God.  Without Him, emptiness is without purpose.  When we consider our emptiness helps reveal our form, we can then have the courage to look at what shaped us as something most perfectly suited to reveal Him to the world.   When we are small He is big, when we are weak, He is strong.  The reason a person who was sexually abused can write a book about healing from sexual abuse is because I know the ache, I know the pain.  Christ can shine from this broken place in me and now my brokeness is made beautiful.  Put your fingers into my wounds and see the glory of Jesus Christ and allow Him to resurrect you!  Come from the tomb that you are waiting in, more dead than alive and see the Glory of God.  You have been created for a reason and God desires for you to enter into the redemption of the world with HIm.  He wants you to bring your emptiness to Him so that He can fill it and pour Himself out to others.  Will you say yes?

By Hoeg

Criteria 8) The person with identity wounds has such a problem with being alone that they seek out any means to fill the silence with whatever noise they can.  If they believe their identity is relative to how others see them, to be alone would be without identity. The feelings of neglect and abandonment are exacerbated with being alone. 

I am not sure why I have always been afraid of being alone.  There are times even now when I am surrounded by my children and I think to myself, "I wish I had a moment to myself!" but then when I get it I am scared to death.  I have a really hard time with Eucharistic adoration for that very reason.  The thought of going to a room and being alone, even though it is with Jesus in the monstrance terrifies me.  It "feels" frightening.  This is how I know I am not fully healed in this area of my identity.  Fear is not of God.  

I think it is because without the distraction of others I am exposed and I am terrified of what I will see there and what God will say about me.  I still forget sometimes that God does not come to strike us dead with lightening but comes to restore us and raise us up to him.  When we are small, we can go to Jesus and be lifted up in his arms to God the father.  I recently had another healing when I saw a picture on Facebook of a man hugging his daughter who joined a convent.  It was cloistered so he would not be able to see her again, she was saying goodbye.  I saw this young girl in her father’s arms and he was crying and she was crying but neither of them looked sad, it was more like tears of joy and pride and admiration and love.  She looked small and he looked big and for this first time in my life I thought to myself "if that is what it means to be small, I can be small like that".  

I have even begun to look to the way in which my husband is such a beautiful father to our children and imagine God the Father being like that.  It has begun to heal me.  I may have found freedom here but I still need maturity in this and that is what the next chapter of my book "Desperate for Love is going to deal with.