Before reading this post please listen to The Song "I Grieve" By Peter Gabriel. You can listen to it while you read my blog as it will open in a separate tab. This song as it embodies the emotions that I am experiencing. It captures the moment of my life that I am living, right now. The lyrics are so perfect... There is something beautiful and something so raw about embracing life even when it means that we embrace the intensity of suffering, sadness and grief.
I am working through my emotions as I experience this miscarriage by journaling here on my blog. I have a hard time with allowing myself to cry, to feel. It is easier to numb myself. I have become quite good at. When I wrote the last two posts the flood gates opened in a way that I realized I needed. I only realized it after I opened to feeling the pain. It almost seems like I am not supposed to be grieving. Some of the questions I get like "how far along are you" is just code for "your not far enough along to be so upset."
I was almost ready to numb myself through this but then I realized that I really am hurting and if I don't face into that hurt it is going to come out sideways. It always does. Rather than stay in denial, or turn to anger as a means to control my pain, I am choosing to embrace the pain that comes from feeling everything, talking about it and processing it in the moment. It hurts. I still find I cannot stay in the moment with my feelings and allow myself the grief that is just below the surface because life does go on, and on and on and on. My children need me, my house has chores and there is work to be done. I keep having to push down the sadness and disappointment and grief.
I will keep updating this one post as I document the process of losing Kolbe. If you are just happening upon this blog post then you can read the first two posts by clicking the links. The first one, "I'm Having a Miscarriage" and "Deep Sorrow" will get you up to speed and I will put headers of the day and or times of the new entries...
Where am I at right now? Well, this image helps to make that clear. Right now I am angry at my body and I feel very alone.
I am angry with my body for failing to protect this precious little person. I feel alone because not everyone sees a miscarriage as the loss of a child. Instead it seems to be viewed as the way the body discards babies that were possibly genetically inferior and "for the best." I don't know why I am miscarrying but I do know that the reality is that I am losing a baby.
So where am I at in the process today? I am still waiting. I have a terrible back-ache, I am cramping but as of right now I am still waiting for my body to complete this process it seems to have committed itself to. There is light spotting of pinkish brown mucus. It reminds me of when I would go into labor. The first stage was losing the mucus plug. It was so exciting to see that process begin because it meant the long wait to have a baby was finally going to be over. It signaled that very soon, a baby would be placed into my arms. It signaled that a process was starting. It was a sign indicating that a process had begun in which the result would be my child leaving my body.
It means the same thing today but there is no joy in it for me. There is only grief. So I will walk into that. I will grieve.