A triple Portion of The Holy Spirit Comes Through Mary

COME HOLY SPIRIT, COME!

 Joan of Arc by Hermann Anton Stilke

We are headed towards a battle.  Can you feel it?

I don't care what denomination you are, if you love Jesus Christ you will take a few moments to see that this is not blasphemy, this is not idolatry, this is God's plan of redemption of the world and that Mary has something to offer us.  We do not worship her, we worship God alone.  We do not believe Mary has magical powers.  What we do believe is that God chose Mary to begin the plan of redemption in, with and through and so she offers us a way in which to follow so that we can be deeply permeated by the Holy Spirit, espoused and penetrated in a life giving way because Scripture says so.  Scripture tells us that Mary was cable of being so receptive, so open to the Holy Spirit, that she was espoused and thus conceived of the Holy Spirit.

We are called to beg for this receptivity.  We are called to open ourselves so completely that the Holy Spirit can find a dwelling place in which He can espouse Himself and conceive divine life within us.  We are called to bring life into the world, to make the incarnation known and visible by becoming the body of Christ.  Are you radiating Christ? Are you a Star of Bethlehem? 

What I love about the 33 Day To Morning Glory program is that it harnesses the power of receptivity to the Holy  Spirit in such a way that all of us can yoke ourselves to it.  Consecration to Mary has been said to be the fastest and most effective means to become like Christ.
St. Louis De Montfort said this;

"In this battle, those who follow God will conquer with one hand and build with the other. The saints of the end times will be formed by Mary in their devotion to her. She will shape them and teach them even as she formed the body of Our Lord in her womb."

The mother of God formed Him in her womb and so she is the perfect mold from which to pour ourselves into.  We could allow the hammer's to shape us, the knives to whittle us out to make room for Him, but to pour ourselves into the mold that shaped Christ is perhaps the quickest most effective means to do such a thing as this.

We are like a a field ready to be planted for a rich harvest.  St. Joseph is like the farmer that leads the horses, he makes ready, he makes the way clear.  St. Joseph, terror of demons binds up any obstacles, operational spirits or barriers that may prevent receptivity.  Mary is like the plow.  She is the grace of receptivity and fertility that opens our hearts like the plow does the earth.

Her son is the seed that will be planted deep inside of us so that it may burst forth new life within us and bear fruit.  Seeds can grow without first having the soil prepared but the harvest is not as abundant, the protection from the rains and the elements is not as great since the roots are more shallow and without the farmer to watch for the rocks or weeds (St. Joseph) there can be obstacles that threaten as well.

If Mary was overshadowed by the Holy Spirit and conceived by the Holy Spirit then we see that Mary has a gift of perfect receptivity to the Holy Spirit that we should all long for.  She was permeated, espoused and penetrated into the depths of her very soul which was Immaculately Conceived.

Mary herself was an icon of the trinity as St. Joachim gave himself as free, total, faithful and fruitful gift to St. Anne and she received his gift and then gave herself to St. Joachim in the same way.  The fire of the rightly ordered love between them was so great it was a third person, Mary.  The two became one flesh, they co-operated in bringing her into existence (matter) but God alone infused her spiritual soul.

But Immaculate Conception? How is that possible and why? For me her Immaculate Conception is further proof that God is indeed outside of time and space.  He is pure spirit so He is unaffected by time and space which exists in a physical world.  It is logical that God could take the graces of Calvary and apply it to Mary as her soul was infused into her at the moment she was conceived in St. Anne's womb. He created a perfect vessel, Christ makes all things new and she became the under of knots.

Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, detail (Karlsbad 1745 - Rome 1829), Peter Wenzel, Vatican Museum

Eve was Immaculate, free from sin in the same way that Mary was.  That is why we call Mary the New Eve.  If Christ as the new Adam makes all things new then of course he would untie the knots tied by Eve's sin and make this new also.  Christ makes ALL things new.  God has a plan for the Redemption of the whole world and He began with Mary before He began with Jesus.  Why? Because it began with Eve before it began with Adam.

Sistine Chapel Michelangelo  

Eve was Immaculate as was Adam.  They began in a virginal garden of Eden.  They were not alone because love is a gift and must be given away.  The tree of Knowledge was in the garden because love must have a choice, without choice love cannot exist as it must be a free, total, faithful and fruitful gift.  Eve's no began when she took (of her own free will) the fruit of the tree of knowledge in that virginal garden of Eden, into her body and with it bore spiritual death to the world.

Mary was Immaculate as Eve was because Christ makes all things new.  Mary was free to chose as Eve was, to undo Original sin, all of the knots must have been untied and so they were.  It began in the virginal garden inside of her womb.  She too was given a choice to love.  Mary's yes began when she "let it be done unto her" and the fruit of all knowledge, the Alpha and Omega was given to her and in this garden of her womb, Jesus was the fruit of her womb and with her yes and with the hands and feet from which she would form in her body would come  spiritual life to the world.

Mary is the undoer of knots, she is our hope because she was mere creature.  She was no different than Eve.  She was completely capable of sinning and yet she did not, she is our proof that we can give our yes to God and be transformed, permeated and espoused by the Holy Spirit.

If you want to be more fully espoused and penetrated by the Holy Spirit then first call upon St. Joseph as terror of demons and ask him to remove the barriers and obstacles in yourself or a loved one that seems in capable of even opening themselves.  He will make way for Mary.  Then pray for Mary as undoer of knots to come and bestow a grace of receptivity into your heart or the heart of your loved one (heck you can and should do this for your enemies as well!) Finally, pray "Come Holy Spirit, Come!" so that the sower of the seed can come and plant Jesus deep, deep into the hearts of the world.

 Theotokos, the “Mother of God.

If you desire a double or triple portion of the Holy Spirit, then Consecrate yourself to Mary, she opens you wider than we can do on our own because she undoes the knots, she was what God chose to start with when He set into motion the plan of redemption for the world.  He could have dropped Christ naked in the street, He could have chosen to come in flesh in any way He desired, yet the plan He chose was to undo the knots of the fall way back in the beginning.  When Christ makes All Things New, He makes ALL THINGS NEW.

Mary, I ask that you intercede and show me how to open my heart to love like the Trinity and to help me to open myself in a bigger and more vulnerable way so that the Holy Spirit will find a home in my heart from which to bring life to the world in and through my yes to the Fathers plan.

Jennings 08

Come Holy Spirit Come!

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.

O, God, who by the light of the Holy Spirit, did instruct the hearts of the faithful, grant that by the same Holy Spirit we may be truly wise and ever enjoy His consolations, Through Christ Our Lord, Amen.

UPDATED! Healing The Whole Person; Borderline Personality Disorder

HEALING THE WHOLE PERSON

Facing My Identity wounds (Borderline Personality Disorder)
GET MY BOOK: GET MY BOOK ON HEALING IDENTITY DISORDERS HERE

The CDC says that 1 in 4 people are sexually abused.  We are the walking wounded and many people are taking pills to numb the pain.  Traditional therapy  offers a clinical diagnosis as well as a psychological stigma for those seeking help to cope with the ramifications of growing up neglected, abandoned, traumatized and or abused. I have always known that traditional therapy was not the answer. 

As a person who went to school for and earned a degree in Psychology, I have read many books regarding this subject.  Some of the graduate courses I took in Family and Individual Counseling required us to have patients and we recorded the sessions to be critiqued as a class with our professor.  Even then I was frustrated with the process of diagnosing instead of bringing healing.  

It seemed like they were not teaching us to ask what the diagnosis meant, after all, we diagnose so we can bring healing and wellness right?  What traditional therapy does is diagnose and help cope with symptoms.  What inner healing does is make the person whole, it heals them, just like we heal disease of the body, it is my belief that inner healing can restore our person, our  well being.

 It is easy when we are dealing with a physical illness to  desire a diagnosis.  We see a doctor and get a test so that we can diagnose and treat our illness.  But what happens when you have an identity wound? You cannot get a blood test and have someone tell you to take this pill three times a day until gone and then you are well.

But Christ says He makes all things new and He promises us healing.  Was He lying? Are we expecting to much? Are we giving the cross and God too much power?  I say it is the exact opposite.  We do not expect enough.  We do not believe Christ really has the power to work miracles.  In fact, He worked miracles of healing and told the apostles that they would do all of the things He did and more! We are called to bring healing and deliverance to those in misery and suffering to be a sign of His power.  Christ desires to restore us and in our healing, be a witness and visible sign to the world that our God is an awesome God and that He Reigns in Heaven and on earth.  He can make us whole.  

When we are healed we become more joyful.  We are called to evangelize and bring people to Christ but when many of us are wounded from sin and the sins of others we are not exactly a billboard for Christ.  I was no exception.  I would try to “fake it” as best as I could.  After all the expression “fake it until you make it” was how I lived my life.  But I was tired of the counterfeit.  I wanted a double portion.  I needed HOPE!

The retreat that I attended was called “Healing The Whole Person” and was held at a Catholic parish in Florida.  The day of the conference I walked from the hotel to the Church taking my time getting there, as I was somewhat afraid of what would transpire once I got there.

When I arrived at the Church and made my way in to what appeared to be an old cafeteria with a stage area, I took notice of a large statue of saint on the main stage.  I remember wondering who he was and then found a seat towards the back.

The first opportunity to meet with one of the trained therapists came and came I went up to the stage area to sit in a private area with him.  As he led me through the process of uncovering the areas I was bound up in I was led to a re-occurring image in my mind of me in a crib crying and no one coming to me. 

I did not think it was a real memory; rather it seemed to be a connection to a belief.   It seemed to be a representative of not feeling neither heard nor having my real needs met.  Perhaps one of the most profound revelations occurred that day when I realized that someone could be both good and bad at the same time.  I also was I introduced to finding my identity in the Father rather than trying to prove it or earn it.  Having these two belief’s healed help to free me and heal me from what I now believe some refer to as "Borderline Personality Disorder". 

When I sat with my second trained counselor and a nun from the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and Mary something shifted.  I actually felt something weird happen in my chest.  The nun looked at me and asked me what I was experiencing as she was praying for me.  I told her I did not know how to explain it.  I told her it felt like my heart swelled up inside of my chest and stretched the rib cage or something.  

I saw in my mind a picture of what I had felt.  I told her that the cartoon “The Grinch Stole Christmas” has a scene where his heart grew in his chest and he grabbed it and yelled out as it grew several sizes.  I told her that is what it felt like, I literally felt like my heart was growing in my body.  I would have been worried that I was having heart palpitations or some kind of medical emergency but with this sensation I felt an infusion of joy and peace and what felt like a deep sigh of relief.  

She smiled at me and pointed to the large statue on the stage.  Do you know who that is? She asked me.  No, I replied.

That is St. Philip Neri, he was a saint that experienced such a transformation when the Holy Spirit permeated him that his heart grew inside of his chest and swelled so large that it cracked one of his ribs.  

It was later confirmed after his death that one of his ribs did indeed crack.  I was blown away that this same Saint, the one I have never heard of that just so happened to be the Saint over this particular parish, was present in the very place in which I not only found a great healing but experienced some kind of physical manifestation that strangely paralleled his own experience.  I believe I not only received a healing of my identity but that at the moment the Holy Spirit came and brought healing and restoration to my identity I had a sensation that accompanied it as if to validate that it not only happened but it was very real.

 I was not faking it, I was feeling it! I was infused with Joy and I felt like I had value, not because I impressed anyone or earned it, I was just “good” and I rested there and absorbed as much of it as I could.

It was my first taste of healing what I now am certain was from aspects or areas that are understood as BPD.  

I really want to take a moment to go over what Borderline Personality Disorder is because I believe many people who have been sexually abused or experienced traumatic childhoods like I did are actually  dealing with identity wounds that distort their ability to know themselves and to know God and are not dealing with a  psychological "disorder".  

Being abused has a very real and powerful effect on shaping our identity.  To merely dismiss that and label someone as being "disordered" is, in my opinion, causing more damage and in a sense, keeps their pain and cries for help unheard.

I realize we can categorize and diagnose and give it a name such as Borderline Personality Disorder but what good is it to give it a name if you do not understand it enough to help bring healing?

I believe Borderline Personality Disorder is a fancy name for Identity wounds.

Identity wounds distort our ability to love ourselves, to love others and to love or know God.  Instead of dealing with the real issue, identity wounds, people are being  diagnosed with a disorder.  Ironically, the worse thing you could do to someone with identity wounds is to give them an identity as being "disordered".  

When you look at the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) it becomes clear that Inner Healing work helps to heal all of the lies that cause a person to exhibit the very criteria necessary for diagnosis.  That has got me to thinking, what if BPD is really just an identity wound that has been left to cause such illness that it causes a schism in the person and their ability to see truth, to live their lives or to love and be loved?

We are complex human beings and Theology of the Body helps us to get a bigger picture as to who we are and how we are made rather than basing our truth in the disorders that result from sin. 

 Our experiences in and through our bodies shape our understandings and beliefs and those beliefs can bind us up in such a way that we act on those beliefs in disordered ways. 

When a person experiences a trauma, for example sexual abuse, this trauma creates a deep wound penetrating our identity and distorting our  “person”.

The criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder seems to reveal more about the fracturing or creating of a schism or division within our person than it does about our disordering our personality. 

 Using the teachings of Theology of the Body, it seems clear that Psychology may help us to understand the wounds within our identity as a “person” and how those wounds shape our beliefs.  Our beliefs effect our actions and behaviors so perhaps using the 9 Criteria's for diagnosing BPD could actually help us recognize an identity wound.  Perhaps the 9 disordered behaviors are really just distress symptoms that when rightly understood, can lead us to the areas we need to find healing.

Lets think about the word “disorders” through the lens of Theology of the Body.  For something to be disordered it has to have been rightly ordered but then gotten twisted up.  This is what happened with original sin.  What was good and right became disordered due to sin.  If this is correct then we see we are all disordered in one way or another.  How helpful is it to give a diagnosis of a disorder to someone who has an issue with identity? I am guessing it creates further disorder and woundedness.  Let's call this disorder what it truly is which is a distortion.  

A person with BPD is really someone without a sense of identity.   They are unable to base their value and their worth on truth but instead their identity is reliant upon others.   The only one that can give us our identities is God because He is truth, life and love from an unchanging source.  

 What if you have wounds preventing you from going to God for this identity? Many people with sexual abuse wounds and other traumatic wounds form childhood have such a problem and I was no exception. 

 The diagnostic criteria for BPD can in my opinion, be used as a model in identifying distress symptoms of those dealing with a schism or fracture of personhood from PTSD or sexual abuse trauma.  It is the trauma that creates the schism and distorts the person and their ability to see rightly and experience others with true freedom to love and be loved. 

I believe I suffered from a schism from the traumas of my childhood some of which included sexual abuse.  This schism distorted my perception of my identity as well as my ability to love and be loved by others.  If love is a self to an “other” than it makes sense that a distortion to my identity affects my ability to see myself as a gift from God, thus making me incapable of loving rightly.  If I am unable to see an “other” as being a gift from God, then I am incapable of receiving or connecting or interacting in healthy relationships. 

I know now this has been the case in my life.  I have believe that in my own life, some of the criteria of BPD I meet may actually be indicative of an identity wound  rather than a psychological disorder.

I recently got the book “I hate you-don’t leave me; Understanding the borderline personality” by Dr. Jerold Kreisman

In Dr. Kreisman’s book he uses the DSM-III-R (diagnostic criteria of borderline personality disorder, herein referred to as BPD) to define the criteria of BPD and being present 80% of the time.  I will be using this “criteria” as distress symptoms of a person with Identity Wounds. 

Criteria 1)

Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes towards others (from idealizing them to devaluing or clingy dependence or isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others. It can also be referred to as "splitting".  To protect myself I put people in one of two categories.  They were either good or bad.  I could not trust the bad people, I could trust the good people.  If someone I believed was "good" hurt me, I did not see a good person making a mistake or doing something bad, instead they became "bad" in my mind.  

My  Identity Wounds has led to many unstable relationships.  It is because of my being able to reconcile the fact that people could be good and do bad things and remain good as well as my fear of intimacy.   Because of my Identity wounds I have made unrealistic demands on others and many times have been referred to as being spoiled. 

I have always had to ask others what they think and get input from those I saw as "better" than me or more "good".  My identity wounds create such a distrust of others that I have great difficulty trusting the motives of almost everyone I have ever met.    This is because it provided me the only protection I felt that I had, if I could be proactive in determining who is safe and who is not then I felt more capable of not being hurt.  

This also causes a great loneliness as no one would ever really be allowed in.  There is even a process to determine if someone is able to be considered as a worthy of my trust.  It was as if there was a "circle of trust" and hardly anyone has ever been allowed in.  

I can say for certainty that my husband is in the circle.  Dr. Bob is in the circle of trust.  Fr. Bryce is in the circle of trust.  Lynn is in the circle of trust.  I can not say for certain if anyone else has ever been allowed in.  I am still learning to let people in.  I still find myself watching peoples facial expressions, keeping tabs on inconsistencies that may expose them as being inauthentic and this creates a greater loneliness and despair. 

I have created a reality in which hardly anyone is allowed in and yet the fear of being alone has caused me to become extremely dependent on my husband and my children.  I want them to be with me but because of my fears and feeling of deep inadequacy and shame I did not want them to touch me or expect to much intimacy.  The guilt from this exacerbates the self-loathing.  

The word intimacy is sometimes referred to as In-To-Me-See.  For someone with identity issues I wanted people to look anywhere but at me.  The irony of this is that I longed to be seen.    I was victimized so I was very distrustful of people growing up, even by those who seemed to care. I believed the lie that they were only trying to get me to let down my guard or perhaps they just wanted something.  This thinking is what led to the destruction of all of my friendships with women.  

I have never liked being touched.  If my identity is distorted then the shame runs so deep it is as if I am untouchable as much as I am unlovable.  If you cannot give what you don't have then, perhaps I have been unable to touch and be touched because I had no source of love to share with others.  I am continuing to work on this and have not found full healing here but there are many days I am more capable of affection than others and that is a definite improvement from where I was. 

My first healing in this came when Charlie stood up at the Theology of The Body Course on Love and Responsibility and pronounced to me and the other 100 students that he thought I was beautiful and wonderful and looked forward to me coming into class everyday just to behold the gift of femininity that I made visible.  I was affirmed just because I was good.  It came from someone I could believe and receive it from and in that moment a lie about who I was and the value I had was exposed.

I was healed.  Now I have been learning to grow in maturity in this area.  

 Criteria 2) Impulsiveness in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-destructive, i.e. chemical abuse (tried that), sexual promiscuity (check!), gambling (not so far but only because I knew to stay away), shoplifting (yes), excessive spending (still fighting this one), overeating (did it say only 2? Cause this makes 4), anorexia nervosa (no self control for this one) or bulimia (so now I am at 5 areas).

The criteria of strong, sudden feelings and perceptions cause impulsiveness that causes repetitive mistakes is used to as diagnostic criteria.  I have always been proud to refer to myself as someone that  “flies by the seat of my pants”.  The need for immediate gratification and absolutely no patience has attributed to much of my impulsiveness.  

 The lack of self-control continues to cause idolatries in my life.  I make an idol of substance to comfort me.  I become slothful when I am overwhelmed.  I buy things to make me feel better.  I find I still get angry over the simplest of things but I know realize that this is symptom and should be catching my attention so I can discern what triggered my identity wound.  I know realize I must path attention to it and go to the Father and check in with Him first to be affirmed and know who I am with mercy. Then and only then do I look at why I am upset or mad.  Usually it is a trigger that is relating back to an old belief that I am bad, selfish, manipulative or undeserving of love and happiness.  

This awareness of myself came from learning about the cycles of addictions as related to shame taught by Dr. Bob at my very first course.  Being a Psychologist I have a great awareness of how we think and feel and then observing behaviors as a direct result.  I always loved Dr. Phil's comment "You can't change what you won't acknowledge" and it is for this reason I have always looked to the why behind what I do.  The problem was I was looking without Christ's mercy and so what I saw was ugly everything everyone said it was.  The rage came to protect myself and the excuses and blaming things on other people was the only way I was able to live in my own skin. 

As a youth, I would use self-destructive behavior to cope and release some of the pain.  This would create guilt which in term caused more shame and then I would seek out substance to numb or comfort myself.  It is as if we know that sin deserves to be punished and our wounds convince us we ARE our sins and so we punish ourselves.  It is interesting how the devil brings us 99% truth (always without the Merciful love of Jesus Christ) and 1% lie and this is the rope we hang ourselves by.  When I found healing in this was when I heard Joyce Meyers speaking on an early morning show.  She said "When the devil comes to tell you what a sinner you are and remind you of all the things you have done and why you are unworthy of being saved, tell him that God knew what He was doing when He made you.  You are no surprise to God. You are not Holy Ghost jr. He knew you would fail Him and  yet He created you anyway.  If Satan has a problem with you tell Him to take it up with God."

Wow! It's true! It's not like God is watching my life play out like a sitcom and when a new episode airs is hitting himself in the forehead saying "What was I thinking!" No! He knew He wanted me to exist.  He knew me and knew my name and knew when and where to bring me into existence, in the words of Caryll Housleander "Out of all of the potential souls, God chose me!".  The book "Reed of God" was a book I came across about 5 years ago and it brought such healing to my identity wounds that to this day I use it in all of my talks.  My identity is in God the Father and by my baptism I have been adopted as His daughter.  I am a daughter of the most high King.  I am not a mistake.  I am not my identity in my family, I am not an identity in my sin, I am Christina and my names mean to bring and witness to Christ.  The fact that my married name is Christina King is not lost on me.  It is a daily reminder that I am indeed royalty.

I have exhibited at least 5 of the above indicators.  I have tried to control everything even my healing.  I now realize that control is a false idol to cope with feeling powerless or being afraid I will be abandoned and alone.  When I am unable to control I get anxious and angry and either have a panic attack or rage.  I believe that panic attacks can be another symptom of identity wounds.  

 

Criteria 3) Radical mood shifts include depression, irritability, and anxiety and last either a few hours and rarely last days.  The person with identity wounds bounces between enthusiastic periods of energetic creativity to unproductive morbid self-pity and depression, blaming his/her failures on others. 

I have always been told I was moody.  I get anxious and irritable when I feel I am being assaulted but now it is less often and not such a huge shift.  I have tried to identify what triggers me.  Tone of voice can be huge.  When someone’s identity is fragile, tone of voice can feel like a lashing rather than just a simple question. 

The guilt and shame go so deep that often words can trigger a person who has been assaulted by the same or similar words in childhood.  The other reason my moods would change would be that I was hearing something that was not being said.  I would hear people speak and assume something they said was a passive aggressive attack on me in some way and I would try to "self-justify."  Self-justification is a huge indicator of identity wounds.

My need to justify myself came across as bragging or being pretentious or just down right rude and full of myself.  When my family had legitimate needs they were trying to express I would self-justify and they would then believe their needs were not important and that I just did not care.

More and more I begin to hear what people are saying rather than what my distorted identity was allowing me to hear.  This has been huge in my healing of my whole person.  I am also gentler with myself and try not to "should" all over myself.  I realize I am not the fourth person of the holy trinity and so I am going to fall short.  I am called to faithful not successful and this gives me hope.  

My healing of this came when I begged Jesus Christ to heal me of the spirit of control.   I was using the above things to control the pain or to control my happiness or to control how valuable or worthy I was.  I was making an idol of things to replace God because I was I did not know God and did not know He love me just as I was.  I did not have to fix myself before I could come to Him.   I was finally able to do this was when I renounced Control. I asked forgiveness from God and then renounced the enemies hold over my life.  

 In the name of Jesus, I took authority in Jesus' name and renounced  Control.  God began to uncover the lies I had allowed to be sown in my heart about what being "vulnerable" meant and as He did I became less fearful and more trusting.  Once I realized vulnerability was strength, I was more capable of opening myself to those around me.  Once I did this, I was able to hear them and to stop justifying myself.  I could forgive myself when I fell short as long as I went to God the Father to affirm me in my identity.  This was probably the biggest deliverance of my entire healing process.  

Criteria 4) Inappropriate and intense outbursts of anger can cause someone with identity wounds to have unpredictable and frightening behaviors that are disproportionate to what triggers them.  The underlying fuel of the rage is great fear and guilt of disappointing someone and fear of being abandoned.  It is so intense and so easily invoked that often their spouse or their children receive the brunt of their rage.  The irony is that the fear of intimacy is a cry for help.  The person with identity wounds pushes away the people they need most.  They may even rage against their therapists, testing their commitment to stay. 

When I met with repercussions I have always raged.  Rage is another indicator of identity wounds.  It is as if deep down that place that St. Augustine speaks of as "knowing we were made for God" screams out against the lies and self-loathing and says "I am good".  The story "Horton Hears a Who" comes to mind.  I imagine that place deep inside where we know we are a "person" is yelling out "I am here! I am here!" I believe the rage is a self protection of that one tiny shred of hope and truth that remains that is trying to protect itself.  

My identity wounds caused me to misinterpret the motives, intentions and even actions of those around me.  I would believe they were attacking what little shred of goodness I was managing to hold on to and so the rage was about forcing them out and protecting my shred of goodness.  If they were right, then I was bad and I just could not live with that.   

 When I was not able to control someone or my environment the anxiety would get so intense that I would either rage or attack.  I would get so intense that everyone around me would back way off and look at me as if I had lost it. In fact, I had lost it.  The intense emotions would rise up so fast and so strong it felt like a tidal wave rising up and engulfing me.  It was sink or swim.  To sink meant to look at what was happening and why I was reacting and that felt like drowning.  The reason is I did not have mercy to help me see myself without prejudice or fear.  To see I was wrong would mean I was bad.  I could not reconcile good and bad.  A person was either one or the other.  

I continue to smile at the ironies that I was controlling, but out of control.  I wanted to be seen but did not want anyone to see me.  I was terrified at being alone but I pushed people away.  

As I said previously, I used to have so many issues with this but I believe I no longer rage.  I do get angry still over the littlest of things at times but I am getting better and better at asking forgiveness from my children or husband and to owning up to things I did or said that were not loving or fair to them.  It has taught me an aspect of humility that allows me to love myself more when I do things that are not Christ like.  If grace perfects our nature, then I must be able to retain more grace, as I am growing more and more comfortable in my own skin.  

I realize now that I do not have to feel bad about raging at God.  He can handle it and wants me to lay it all at his feet, even my rage.   I still turn to food to comfort or and now realize this is what Gluttony is, an idolatry of substance for comfort.  It is another way in which I try to not be vulnerable and take what it hurting to God.  Anytime we make an idol of something it is because we are not willing or able to go to God the Father.  If this happens, we must ask him to reveal the barrier to us.  We must ask His help to remove the obstacles. 

Criteria 5) Re-occurring suicidal threats, self-mutilating behaviors or comments about dying soon or wanting to die are frequent ways to communicate the deep pain and are real pleas for help.

Self-mutilation (I am including excessive piercing and tattooing) is signs of identity wounds.  Excessive use of drugs and alcohol and even food are also means of self-mutilation and although I did not fall into excessive use of substance to cope with my pain I have used substance.   

I used to pull my hair out of my head until vanity caused me to turn to cutting myself.  I remember it make me feel powerful and not so weak. I also liked how it let me feel like I was taking the edge off of the latent anger inside of me.    Some scratch themselves, cut themselves or burn themselves.  It is a form of releasing some of the guilt or alleviates some of the suffering they are experiencing internally.  It is a way to connect the body to the pain of the inside, the person and identity are making visible the invisible ugliness and they are able to find a release or even feelings of euphoria from it.  

The reason persons with identity wounds self-mutilate could be to experience the endorphins the body releases during the mutilation (self-treatment for pain) or perhaps it is the souls relief that now the hidden pain is being made visible in some way, uniting the body in expressing what the soul cannot express.  Whatever the reason, this is a hallmark of identity wounds.This is Theology of the Body.  Making the invisible visible! See me! See my pain!  To manifest the inner pain in a physical sign on the body is to allow the "whole person" to express it consistently and to feel whole.  

Criteria 6) Identity distortion in at least two of the following areas; 1. Self-image, 2. Sexual Orientation 3. Long term goals or career 4. Type of friends desired or 5. Preferred values. 

I have never accepted my own intelligence or attractiveness.  I was taught early on that this is something subjective.  I was taught my multiplication table by being quizzed and then slapped in the head when I missed one.  I was yelled at and made to feel stupid.  To me, being smart is something you earn and it is judged by how smart or stupid you are compared to others.   

 I was told regularly when I got to fat so my body image was always about looking a "certain" way.  Whenever I would feel pretty, I would see someone prettier than me and then I would feel ugly again. 

My identity was graded on a curve and my value had to be proven over and over again.  The little bit of self-esteem I had was gained through impressing others and was necessary and critical to love myself.  I name-dropped; I bragged about whom I knew and what I was doing all in an attempt to impress people so that I could love myself.  My identity was in the hands of others and so it was a very fragile thing.  

I felt fake and that I had to "be" someone people would like.  I tried to be or emulate attributes that others had that I liked. I remember talking like a girl I went to school with, dressing like another, you named it I would try it all in an attempt to find that perfection that would make people like me.  

Some people with identity issues change their jobs, friends and even life goals frequently some may even change their sexual orientation.  This can be from Gender Shame and this is covered in the appendix.  Persons with identity wounds are more susceptible to joining cults because they are seeking unconditional acceptance. They want to be affirmed as good.  This is the basic human need of every person but many do not get this, especially when neglect, trauma or abuse is present in early child hood.  This also can lead some into very destructive relationships of physical abuse.  I am grateful this was not the case for me. 

I have driven many people away from my attempts to prove myself, to accomplish then herald it to others.  I only did it to say "See, I am valuable" but this can seen and heard as "Look at me! I am better than you!".  I never realized that when I would feel threatened by someone sharing something they did or accomplished, that I would immediately attempt to prove how I some how was just as good or better in that area.  Now that I have become aware of that, I have gone back and asked people's forgiveness at making them feel little and I have shared vulnerably how I was attempting to cover my feelings of being inadequate.  Their success triggered my wounds.  This has not only been healing of many relationships but it also has been freeing for me to see how affirmed I am when I do not have to earn or prove my worth.

by Anthony Kerrigan

Criteria 7)A person with identity wounds has chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.  They long and desire for purpose and without it some people with identity wounds chose to end their lives rather than face the feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose.

There was only one time that I thought about suicide.  I was in high school and had just moved back to live with my mother.  I put almost a whole bottle of aspirin in my mouth and when I closed the medicine cabinet and saw myself in the mirror, I could not do it.  I saw myself with a mouth full of aspirin and thought, "What are you doing?"  I did not end my life but there have been many days where I stayed in bed and slept the day away unable to face my life.  I still have days where I am filled with emptiness.  When I was in bed pregnant on bed rest, I very much went to a place of feeling like I would be better off dead.  Those have been dark times for me and were before my healing experience.  When you feel you have no purpose, life becomes very difficult and can feel empty.  When you know God created you for a reason then you know there is a purpose to everyone’s life, even our suffering has purpose when we unite it to God and go to him for the answer to the burning questions inside of us.  

My greatest healing in this came when I read "The Reed of God" and realized the when we embrace virginal emptiness we realize the emptiness is not without form.  The reed by a babbling river is cut and wittled out with stops cut into the outside.  But when the creator blows his breath into the emptiness lyrical music is played.  The emptiness gives the reed its beautiful form from which to pour out it's greatest gift.  A golden chalice does not come in the form of the beautiful flower it resembles but is instead made from first gathering gold from mud and rock from which it must be hewn.  It is then melted down and poured into a form and then beaten by countless blows of a mallet to give it the emptiness from which it's purpose is manifested.  The chalice's emptiness is the space in which wine can be poured and then offered in the sacrifice of the mass!  A nest is created when a mother bird gathers the materials from which to create it and then it is her tender breast that forms the emptiness from which her babes will find their home.  

Each of us are formed in some way.  We are either pounded into our shape or perhaps our lives felt more like being cut and whittled.  Maybe you feel like you were held to a hot fire and melted down before being poured into your shape.  Still others will be formed by tender love.  Whatever the method, our emptiness, our shape is the perfect emptiness from which God desires to pour Himself into so to that He may play His lyrical music through us, our to sacrifice Himself through us or to bring a drink of Him to those in thirst.  

Emptiness is necessary or else there is no place for God.  Without Him, emptiness is without purpose.  When we consider our emptiness helps reveal our form, we can then have the courage to look at what shaped us as something most perfectly suited to reveal Him to the world.   When we are small He is big, when we are weak, He is strong.  The reason a person who was sexually abused can write a book about healing from sexual abuse is because I know the ache, I know the pain.  Christ can shine from this broken place in me and now my brokeness is made beautiful.  Put your fingers into my wounds and see the glory of Jesus Christ and allow Him to resurrect you!  Come from the tomb that you are waiting in, more dead than alive and see the Glory of God.  You have been created for a reason and God desires for you to enter into the redemption of the world with HIm.  He wants you to bring your emptiness to Him so that He can fill it and pour Himself out to others.  Will you say yes?

By Hoeg

Criteria 8) The person with identity wounds has such a problem with being alone that they seek out any means to fill the silence with whatever noise they can.  If they believe their identity is relative to how others see them, to be alone would be without identity. The feelings of neglect and abandonment are exacerbated with being alone. 

I am not sure why I have always been afraid of being alone.  There are times even now when I am surrounded by my children and I think to myself, "I wish I had a moment to myself!" but then when I get it I am scared to death.  I have a really hard time with Eucharistic adoration for that very reason.  The thought of going to a room and being alone, even though it is with Jesus in the monstrance terrifies me.  It "feels" frightening.  This is how I know I am not fully healed in this area of my identity.  Fear is not of God.  

I think it is because without the distraction of others I am exposed and I am terrified of what I will see there and what God will say about me.  I still forget sometimes that God does not come to strike us dead with lightening but comes to restore us and raise us up to him.  When we are small, we can go to Jesus and be lifted up in his arms to God the father.  I recently had another healing when I saw a picture on Facebook of a man hugging his daughter who joined a convent.  It was cloistered so he would not be able to see her again, she was saying goodbye.  I saw this young girl in her father’s arms and he was crying and she was crying but neither of them looked sad, it was more like tears of joy and pride and admiration and love.  She looked small and he looked big and for this first time in my life I thought to myself "if that is what it means to be small, I can be small like that".  

I have even begun to look to the way in which my husband is such a beautiful father to our children and imagine God the Father being like that.  It has begun to heal me.  I may have found freedom here but I still need maturity in this and that is what the next chapter of my book "Desperate for Love is going to deal with.